State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
