I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize