I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
