she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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