It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
