Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You are the jesus of drinking
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
