You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
