after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
