after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
