He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
