someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
