A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You've changed since you got that strap on
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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