How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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