I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize