I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
