Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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