This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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