1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
