every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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