I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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