He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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