he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
