so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
