i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Sorry about my life...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
