Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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