She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Randomize
