i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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