plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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