You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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