You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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