I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I touched a dick in church today
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
