highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
smell my finger.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
