I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
