went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
