Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
the condom got lost in my hair
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
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