I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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