he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
