By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize