cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
