ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
