mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
