u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
