Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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