i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
