I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
