i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
