During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I feel like abortions should bother me more
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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