Apparently you make a good broom.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
