have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
