everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
