I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
