Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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