That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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