Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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