I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Randomize