??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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