The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
