Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
