i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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