I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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